"The Cure to a Lonely Heart is to Be Alone With Jesus"

She finally let go of her fake smile and tears slowly rolled down her face as she whispered to herself 'I don't want to be me'

*Warning sappy, moody post ahead*

I'm in a funk. 3 months ago I felt like I had it all. I was going to graduate college in August, I was in a happy relationship, I was on the road to finding a career... Then it all turned to absolute shit. I have yet to graduate, I am single, I don't have a support system, and I can not for the life of me find a new job. I have been on a downward spiral and I don't know how to get out of it.

After taking online classes this summer, I was supposed to be completely done in August. Since I was happy and things were going so well here in Knoxville, I decided to stay and see where life took me. Due to a missing credit, I found out I was not done with school and had to enroll in one final class on campus. I guess the universe has a funny way of working, because I clearly needed to stay in town even though I didn't know it at the time.

A few months ago I was living with the best roommates a girl could ask for. Sure we had our issues just like most roomies, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. I knew I always had a friend to come home to and hang out with at night. I always had someone to cheer me up when I was down. Now that they have both moved back home, I live alone. The only thing I come home to is my dog and big pile of bills. I also had a group of friends in Knoxville that I could count on. Since I moved to Tennessee on my own, with no family, they really were my second family and support system. They would introduce me to new people, and my circle grew and grew. Unfortunately people don't always stay in your life, and that's exactly what happened with me. Friends that I thought I was closest to dropped me like I was nothing. Now I feel like none of them think twice about me. I had a guy who I could turn to whenever I needed a pick-me-up. Now I have my dog. Talking to an ex is awkward enough without getting deep and personal about your life sucking, so naturally that option is gone too. The thing that makes the past few months even worse, is that my very best friend in the entire world hasn't called or texted to make sure I'm okay. She never called after my ex and I broke up, or reached out when I was down. I never thought I could be this mad at her and hurt that she hasn't been a friend to me. Even if we are 800+ mies apart, that has never stopped us before. So why now, of all times when I need a friend the most, is she not there for me?

I can't count on anyone anymore. I can't count on a friend to show up at my door with a handful of movies and snacks and hang out with me when I'm in a funk. No matter how much I wish they would. I can't count on the people I want to hear from most to text me and make sure I'm doing okay. I can't rely on a friend to come pick me up and take me somewhere fun when I'm down. As much as I am there for others, I can't rely on them to do the same for me. That's how life is; that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Not only have I given up on the people in my life, I feel like I am starting to give up on my life in general. I have been desperately trying to find a second job, or a full-time job to satisfy the rest of my free time. I have been with the same company for 5 years now, I want to start a career. But after applying to more jobs than I can count, I have yet to get anything. I'm getting discouraged, afraid I'm never going to find something. I know I'm a hard-working, strong individual who can do anything I set my mind to. I just need someone to take a chance on me and let me prove it.

I keep questioning God and his plan for me. Do I have to hit rock bottom before something starts to go my way? Because I feel like I'm already at the bottom. I keep reminding myself that I can only go up from here, but every time I feel like I'm making progress, I get knocked down again. I feel like he's not on my side; that he's just sitting up there laughing at my misfortunes. But as much as I feel like God isn't there for me, I know that he's holding out for something even better than I can imagine. He's not laughing at my hardships, he's laughing that I don't trust him. He's never mislead me before. I just have to believe in Him, keep praying and know that he is hard at work. That everything I am feeling and going through at the moment is leading me to things better than I can imagine.

"Sometimes we have to experience things we don't understand just so God can bring us to the place where he needs to be. Even though you may be hurting, just know God has a plan. Have faith and believe that you will be stronger in the end."