Stuck In A Rut.

I'm currently having one of those nights that I am thinking about all the things that have happened over the past few days. Over the past few weeks. Over the past few months. I've thought multiple times about whether or not I want to move away from Knoxville when my lease is up in July. At first I was convinced I was going to: I've been here 4 and a 1/2, almost 5 years (which is a long time for me to be in one place), it's time to experience somewhere new. I was ready to move on to a new city, with new people, and have a fresh start. But as life started looking up, and I started my full time job, I thought about staying after my lease ends, to see where life takes me. With the new year, I made a resolution to go out with new people, take advantage of all opportunities, and maybe, just maybe, I'd meet some people who made staying in Knoxville worth it.

Last July, I originally decided to stay partially because of one final class separating me from graduation, and partly because of my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend). My roommates had moved back to Nashville in June, and shortly after I moved into my new place at the end of July, my boyfriend and I broke up. In a matter of 2 months I lost my roommates and my boyfriend. I was destroyed. My so-called "friends" weren't there for my and I found myself crying until I fell asleep every night. I kept telling myself to hold out for a year and then I could leave this place and start all over.

After staying to myself and fighting my anxiety and depression on my own, I took each day one at a time and thought I was getting over it. But here I am once again. Tonight I am convinced once again that I need to get out of Knoxville come July. Events over the past couple of days have me thinking if this place is worth losing my happiness. There is nothing left for me here. I don't feel like I have any friends who support me. When I'm going through something, the only person I can count on is myself. I can't stay in Knoxville waiting for my friends to be friends. I can't hang out in Knoxville forever waiting for my ex to figure out what he wants and hopefully give us another chance. I can't wait to be fought for. I can't keep putting myself out there with people who walk in and out of my life like I'm nothing. I can't keep questioning my self worth.

Dear Knoxville, I'm over you. I appreciate all the great memories we've shared and the opportunities I've been presented. But come July I am ready to move on to a new place and have a fresh start. The fact that my birthday is in 2 weeks and I know that none of my friends are going to be there for me proves that a new start is just what I need. No one is going to come knock on my door with a cake, or take me to dinner to celebrate. I am alone. And I'm so over feeling alone.

Although I feel this way now, I may wake up in the morning and feel completely different. I may go back to being the badass bitch that I am and not let any of this bullshit affect me. I don't know. All I know is that I have to continually work on myself and realize that I am worth being fought for. I am worth being loved and appreciated and not taken for granted. I am worth having someone in my life who cares about me. I deserve to be happy, in every aspect of my life. And unfortunately that is not the case right now. I don't know what will happen in the next 5 months. But I'm hoping to gain more clarity and figure out what I truly want in life.