Single, Surviving, but not necessarily Thriving.

I've changed this intro a million times and yet I'm still not sure how to write this. My mind is in a million different places and I'm not sure how to put my words onto this page. There are so many things I want to say, so I guess I'm just going to start writing. But be forewarned. This is not going to be like my other posts. It's not travel related; I'm pouring my heart out and being vulnerable.

The past few weeks have been some of the the most mentally, emotionally, and physically draining weeks I've had in a very, very long time. Life has been hitting me with one thing right after the other, after the other. 24 hours ago I reached rock bottom. I didn't think life could hit me with anything else, until my boyfriend and I broke up (yes, 24 hours ago).

If you've known me for a while, you know that my love life is the most complicated thing on the face of the planet. I don't have the best luck with men; they've been walking in and out of my life since my dad left in '05. I've always been hesitant to give anyone a chance because I know they are going to leave me sooner or later. Yet, with all my misfortunes, I've always believed that there is someone out there for me. After 4 months of dodging my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess), I finally let my guard down and gave him a chance. For the first couple of months it was great. He made me smile, made me laugh, I could be my normal goofy self with him and show him every part of me (even the pieces that I hadn't shared with anyone else). He made me feel good about myself, even when I would argue with him that I wasn't that pretty. I felt happier than I had been in a long, long time. But something changed; and it wasn't me. He began to push me away, and sooner than I expected, he became just another guy who walked out of my life.

If you're reading this, I want you to know that you broke me. For weeks you isolated yourself from me instead of coming to me and allowing me be there for you. For weeks you made everything else a priority over me and put me on the back-burner. For weeks you made me feel like shit about myself, feel like I wasn't good enough. Wasn't pretty enough. Wasn't skinny enough. Made me feel as though you weren't making time for me because you stopped caring about me. It hurts me to know that you can so easily just walk away. That you could just go weeks without telling me what is going on in your life when I was confiding in you about mine. I'm hurt that you could make time for everyone else but not me. I'm hurt that you've stood me up three times now in the past three days. You've given me excuse after excuse for why you can't do this anymore to the point that I don't even know what the real reason is. I can't count on you anymore and nothing you do surprises me at this point. I have lost all trust in you and that hurts me more than anything.

Even though I am mad, hurt, sad, and confused, I hope you know that I will always care about you. I will always want the best for you because I know how amazing you are when you are happy. I will continue to be someone that you can come to when you need to talk, when you need someone to listen, or when you need someone to be there for you. I hold no hard feelings towards you, and I understand what you are feeling.

As much as I want to be by your side, fighting through this together, I am letting you go. Giving you time to focus on yourself. It's not our time now, but maybe one day it will be. I don't know. But I do know that God has a plan, and although I don't necessarily like his plan at this moment in time, I know he is doing what is best for both of us.

It's 1:53 in the morning. over the past 24 hoursI have cried, I have screamed, I have cried again. I have driven around in circles. I have thought about the good times, and the bad. I have questioned everything. I have prayed. I have felt anger, sadness, numbness, fear. But more recently I have felt acceptance. I am a strong woman. I have never needed a man to define me and I'm sure as hell not going to start now. I know this is what is best for you, and although it hurts, I understand. I know that this is not going to be easy; to go from talking to you for months on end, to barely speaking. I'm not expecting it to be easy. But I do expect myself to get through it. I've come to the realization that I truly have some amazing friends who have called, texted, and messaged me over the past 24 hours to make sure I'm okay. I have a mom who answers the phone right when she was about to fall asleep to listen to me cry on the phone for an hour and a half. And I have God, who will always be there for me even when I'm doubting him and his plan. With a support system like that, I know that I can get through anything. I will continue to pray, continue to work on myself, and I will continue to take this one day at a time.

I will never regret the months we spent together. And I hope that one day, when we are both ready, we can be friends. But more importantly I hope you get what you need out of life and can find your way back to the smiling, singing, happy man I once knew. He was pretty amazing if I do say so myself, and I am lucky enough to have met you.

*I know that my life is no one's business but my own. And the things that happened in my relationship aren't anyone's issues but mine and his. I am by no means asking for sympathy here*